Sydney- The Modest Nudist?

It's no secret to anybody that Sydney does not like wearing clothes. Review this post if you need a historical perspective on this issue. This has always been the case for her, and I've learned to deal with it in most contexts. Much to my good fortune, she has learned that at all times in public she is to wear clothes. It has taken many years and much embarrassment to get to this point, but finally we're here.

Once Jack and I were reading a menu at a restaurant and looked up at the waitress that we thought was waiting for us to order. Only she wasn't paying any attention to us, her look of horror/shock was directed just beyond us. Immediately we whip our heads around to see that Sydney had popped up from under the table with nothing but her panties on! Naturally the other patrons noticed too. At this point I wanted to crawl under the table, and Jack maybe would have been glad to join me.

Another time I was pregnant with Punkin and I took Sydney to McDonald's to have lunch and play. It wasn't long before I heard shocked gasps from nearby tables. I was afraid to look because I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was. Low and behold! Miss. Syd had gone up the play structure fully clothed, but came down the slide in her panties. Since I was getting little to no cooperation on getting her to get up and get her own clothes, my fat, pregnant ass had to climb up there to collect them and let me tell ya, I nearly needed a stick of butter to get myself out. I think of things like this and am still amazed that she never ended up on Ebay or anything.

After these situations and many more that I don't want to talk about, this next scenario causes some confusion in my head and makes me laugh every time I think about it! Mind you, just because I have gotten her to wear clothes in public does not mean that she is always dressed. She still comes home from wherever and immediately gets down to her underwear. Me forcing the issue causes anguish the likes of which I cannot take. Baby steps. Baby steps. Deep breaths. Meditation.

Anyway, not too long ago I was in a hurry to go somewhere and I was throwing clothes at the kids to put on so we could leave. I was helping Syd because she was being sluggish, and she kept crying about the sun dress I put on her!

Me: "What is wrong with you?"

Syd: "I don't like this dress!" *wailing*

Me: "What the freak is wrong with it?!"

Syd: "I just don't like it!!" *foot stomp, wail*

Me: "What, for the LOVE OF GOD is wrong with it?!"

Syd: "It shows my nickels!"

Me: ???????????

I had nothing to say to that. This child, this child that wanders in her underwear all day, and has a history of doing so in front of people, was concerned that her nickels (nipples) were showing? Seriously? After I shut my mouth that was open to the perfect fly catching position, and popped my eyes back into my head, I simply found her another dress. Crisis averted, nickels covered. Strong drink needed.

Critters- Part Deux

It has been a long time since I've had a few moments to myself to update this blog of mine. Between my loving children and the other irritants in my life, I find that I don't have as much time as I would like. What possible other irritants could I be speaking of? Well, several in fact, but one in particular nickels and dimes my days, grosses me out, and causes a plethora of swear words to pass by my lips. Ants. Little, tiny, nasty ants. Don't get me wrong, because I do thank the heavens for the absence of venomous, possibly deadly creatures, but I find myself with my patience running thin on these little bastards.

I have tried several things to rid myself of the plague of ants that would consume my kitchen if given the chance. Right off the bat I bought ant traps, and they laughed in the face of them!! So then I went out and sprayed poison along the edges of the house and laughed diabolically at my cleverness. Mwahahahaha!! Apparently I missed a spot or two, or they are immune to my petty poisons because it barely slowed them down. And ants, ants don't march one by one. They march by the hundreds! Bastards. At a loss, I have since been employing preventative measures. What wouldn't fit in the fridge is now sealed in the million Tupperware containers I purchased to thwart the little demons. Also, I spray them with my all purpose spray every chance I get, which is alot because by the time I clean up their corpses, there are more invaders. Die already!!!

I have employed a tactic occasionally that makes me really wonder about the nature of these creatures. Several times I have left the dead bodies where they were to serve as a warning to the next wave of attacks in the hopes that they would panic and turn around seeking to save themselves. This did not work. First I thought it must be because they are small, making their brains even smaller, meaning they're stupid. This makes sense to me, but then I started wondering as I watched them pick their way slowly around the bodies of their fallen. What if they are more like King Leonidas and his brave 300? What if they feel that they need to take a stand even in the face of their own destruction? I can just hear the queen ant pitching the glory speech to the millions crowded somewhere around my house; "Ants never retreat! Ants never surrender! The world will know that free ants stood against a tyrant. Ants, prepare for glory!" What if? Am I the bad guy in all this? Live and let live? This may be so, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm ok with my role as judge, jury and executioner, and if I have to face the music for this in the ever after, well, then that's what I will have to do. I have some corpses to go clean up now...

Doomed to Repeat...

"Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it."

This famous quote by Winston Churchill has seemed appropriate in my mind lately. Not only because of all of the political B.S. that we are inundated with since the election is a mere 29 days away, but for other reasons as well. I breezed through an article recently that discussed some educational establishments who were considering editing or even completely passing over learning about WWII and the effects of the Holocaust. I was floored. Apparently a group of individuals got offended. I'm sure the six million Jews would be offended by this too. At what point do we tell people to sit down and shut up? - I will now step down from my soapbox. I hate a-holes.

Speaking of a-holes and history repeating... I was wandering about Target the other day looking at everything in the store because, well, I have no life, I had no kids with me, and because I was shirking some responsibilities, like oh, unpacking. I should have left before I saw these:

Indigo bio wash.

Do you see
the freakin' buttons on the inside of the ankle???!!!

And these:

Java anybody?

And these!!!

Plum?!

Just when you think that there is hope, beauty, and a sense of justice in this world, you go to Target and find out that they are creating peg legged, acid washed jeans again!!! In frickin' funky colors! Am I wrong in thinking that they should have stayed in the past where they belonged? That we should have learned from that blip in the history of fashion? In my experience, people that grew up in the 80's only get out their photos from that era in order to get laughs from their friends, not to help come up with ideas to bolster the modern wardrobe! Does anyone out there remember how big our asses looked with pegged pants? Oh, woe is me! That was back before my ass was even as big as it is now!! After seeing these, I have decided that no matter how cool they may become, I shall be unfashionable and will swear this very day to never again don the pegged, acid washed nightmares. Target have you lost your ever lovin' mind?

Creatures Great and Small

God may love all creatures great and small, but I. Do. Not. That may be one of the reasons I have some odds of going to hell for, but there are just some opinions that I will not waver on. I can honestly say at this point that there are some creatures that I would be perfectly happy if they did not exist. Now I know that there are plenty of really smart people that could come up with some really smart opinions about the ramifications of exterminating links in the circle of life and all that, but you know what? I don't care. I don't. I won't apologize either.

We have been in Arizona now for over two years and haven't had any problems with critters. That is until we moved to beautiful Sierra Vista. It seems crazy to me that a place that has such moderate year round temperatures, and breathtaking views should be infested with pesky and sometimes deadly creatures. It's the dark underbelly of the region. We found out quick, fast, and in a hurry why you shouldn't go out in nature here without titanium boots that go up to your hips.

Who would think that these mountains harbor death? Me. Yes, I do.

I'll start discussing the pests that I have had issues with in order from smallest to biggest. These little bastages are the current bane of my existence. When we moved in this place they warned us that the only critters we would have to worry about would be some ants. Ok, so I'm better with them than the other things I've experienced since we've moved here, but I still cannot figure out how I can kill thousands and then find thousands more next time I turn around! They are more annoying than anything, but so is PMS, and who doesn't want that to be exterminated?

So this picture was taken with our own camera. These are probably up there with the least harmful critters if you don't mess with them, but hello!!! Giant spiders??? *full body shiver*

This creature? This one right here? Yeah. This one can go straight to hell in my opinion. This one caused me to have a helluva bad day. The day had started out innocuous enough, with me doing laundry in my flannel boxers and a tank top all day. Just as I was hanging up the last of the ironing and thinking about a hot shower I decided to bend down and straighten the shoes in the closet. I was being a bit of a freak, but normally that would be a good thing! Anyway, I stepped down only to find myself hopping around yelling S.O.B (!!!! -in the expanded form) over and over. I leaned over to see what the heck I stepped on and saw this little bastage run into my closet. Then I didn't know what to do so I called the neighbor guy.

Me- "Hi! I was just wondering what people do when they get stung by scorpions?"

Him- "Were you stung by a scorpion?"

Me- "YES!"

Him- "Did you kill it?"

Me- "NO! It ran into the damn closet!"

Him- "I'm coming over."

To make an annoying story short, he noticed I was a bit shakey and neither of us had gotten through when calling Jack, so next thing I knew, I had six firefighters in my living room (still in ghetto clothes mind you) hooking me up to machines and inspecting my TOE! Very bad. Some people said that they had heard that it feels a bit like a bee sting, and I have to say that no it doesn't. Not unless bees have effin' tasers attached to their asses! Yeah. Tasers.

All in all though, I have to say that the multitude of rattlesnakes was the deciding factor about leading an idyllic country life. Not just any rattlesnakes either. The Mojave Rattlesnake happens to be much more deadly than the average. So I have been told. The first night in town there was a baby one at the front door, and it only went downhill from there. One night we heard the guard dog barking a fearsome bark on our front porch and when Jack cracked open the door all we could hear was rattling. Again, the lucky neighbor guy got called and he came over and shot it four times (!!!) and the thing was still alive and madder than ever! He then beat it to death with my broom. It was like three and a half feet long and headed right to my front door. Those were just the ones that we saw. There were several dispatched when we weren't around. And here's what makes me laugh! Apparently there is some law or regulation here that says that you are not supposed to kill the snakes. So if a person came into your house to kill you and you killed them instead it's ok, but let us not kill the poor little snakes? Seriously? If it's me or the snake, that mutha effer is going down!!

So ends the Country Murray's. The city has never felt better! (safer) Bring on the crackheads!