Dangerous Hippos

So I was reading (wasting time/avoiding chores) a few minutes ago when I ran across a photo that made me chuckle because it relates to this conversation I had with Sydney. According to Sydney, hippos are "the dangerousest animals on earf". I had my doubts until I saw this on MSN. I had been torn between sharks and lions, but I am certainly glad not to be this poor bastard.

Chicken Little

So today was a really strange day. At work there were some big changes that hopefully will work out for the best for all involved despite the bereft feelings that we all are having. I am truly one to believe that when one door closes, another will open. Of course for me, it usually opens and then swings back and hits me in the ass one last time. Hopefully that's just me and that the rest of y'all are safe. Whatever.

I just have to tell this story now before I forget the details. As if.... As if I will EVER let my dear cousin Kyle forget this incident!!!!! Hahahahohohohehehe! This is one for the books baby! Or the blogs as it may be. So this dear sweet cousin of mine is fresh outta high school and working full time teaching skateboarding lessons, and after work he went to the local skate park. He was in the middle of one of the "sickest runs" when he saw lights speeding across the sky with weird "lit up $hit" falling down from it. All the other skate pukes stopped to wonder what was going on but not Kyle. Nope, he was running with his board to the car. He drove home as fast as he could so that he wouldn't die alone. He ran in and told us that he thought Korea was bombing us and to turn on Channel 8. I thought that he must have seen a defective firework or something when Jack explained that the airshow was having a nighttime show as well. After a weird (crappy-ish) day at work, a couple glasses of wine, and a house full of little girls, this was the funniest crap I'd heard all day. Naturally I spent the rest of the night giggling while crouching and shrieking, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The moral of the story is to not be stupid (Kyle).

I totally poached this picture from his myspace. Sorry copyright laws, and please don't throw me in the slammer.

Irony

I love the word irony. I appreciate the concept of irony as well. I think this affection that I have for it is deeply rooted in the fact that I understand it as only one who experiences it often and sees it for what it is can have. We, irony and I are practically BFF's. I mean we hang out daily, laugh and cry together. We. Are. Tight.

Irony and I had a laugh just yesterday. Today too, but not every moment is worth a blog spotlight eh? You may find that this is not either, but unfortunately for you, I choose my blog content. Anyhoo, I was somewhere talking to someone (anonymity is important ya know?) about some others. Actually we were bitching about these people. Before you draw horrible conclusions about me and "someone", I would like to explain that these people are not the victims here. In fact, on a regular basis these other "someone's" make it their personal goal to make anyone and everyone in the vicinity as viciously miserable as they are. I have a legitimate reason to bitch since I am often in their vicinity. After this conversation I sit down to eat my lunch and open one of the two books in my purse. I had decided to read "How to Practice The Way to a Meaningful Life" by, His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Some light reading for sure. I kid you not, the first paragraph that I read was this:

"Instead of getting angry, nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances, they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience."

HA! HA! HA! HA! What had I been thinking? Bitching about these troublemakers? I should be sending them thank you notes! What are the odds that I would run across that passage after one of the snarkier conversations I'd had all day? I believe that Jesus had something similar to say in The Sermon on The Mount, so I know these things, but I obviously need to be beat over the head with the concepts every now and again. Not that I don't care deeply for troublemakers! I have three (+ Jack) that teach me the timeless qualities of tolerance and patience on a daily basis. I am a fountain of patience and tolerance. Ok, that was a stretch but you get the idea.

Some of us need more time for reflection than others.

Life Lessons

Today I have had a few epiphanies that I thought I should share with the world since I am turning over a new leaf and becoming a dedicated blogger. Unfortunately for all two of you that give a crap about what I have to say, this new blogging leaf does not specify that I have to say anything relevant or meaningful. Just an FYI so that you can click off now if you don't want to waste any more seconds of precious life reading my babble.



Anyhoo, on to my life lessons of the day....



1) Laxatives work and they work well. Thank you Lord for inspiring the inventors of Ex-Lax.



2) When reading blogs of people that are actually entertaining while sitting on the toilet (see above lesson) close the door. Especially if the bathroom light is on. And the bedroom light is out. And the blinds are open, thereby creating the perfect fishbowl opportunity for the neighbor's living room window directly across. I assume they are pouring acid on their eyeballs right now to eliminate that image, which I guess would keep me from worrying about that particular situation again.



3) I need to get a life. The above activities should indicate that.



4) Ok, hold on to your seats cuz I actually DO have a profound lesson to share. Here goes... I am too obsessed with my body image and what I think it should look like based on photos of models and those bitches in Maxim magazine. (I'm sure they're nice, for real, but still!!!) Some others of you that have MSN as your home page may have seen this same stunning photo of a nearly nude beautiful girl who appears to be perfectly at home in her own skin. Here's the kicker... she is a plus sized model! She has the same and maybe a few flaws I'm not freaking about with my own body, and she is beautiful! Check it-



The best part of this photo is that it was in Glamour magazine, the one and same that likely helped produce my body issues, and that this girl is a size 12+! Apparently the feedback from readers was huge and joyful! How many of us appreciate that someone "normal" is being flaunted as sexy and comfortable in something besides a mumu or a before pic for some new diet? Hallelujah! This is coming from me, she who has been dieting for a year, losing 50 lbs and still obsessed with the fact that my tummy still looks like, well, hers. What does that say about me? I'm a little scared to look too far into that, but I do think that I need to chill the heck out and just be as cool and comfortable with my body as she is. I honestly think it's her confidence and posture that spells out her beauty, and maybe her perfect skin tone. I think that more weight loss would be fine for me if it happened, but a loss of my perfection-seeking body obsessions would be far more appropriate, and provide more long term happiness.



If you want to read the full article, you can find it at-

http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/blogs/vitamin-g/2009/08/on-the-cl-the-picture-you-cant.html



*please forgive me for breaking any licensing laws or copyright laws or anything else I can be held accountable for during the writing of this article. Oh, and if the laxative talk grossed you out, too dang bad. I'm crazy like that.

Back In The Saddle!

The sad reality is that I can't even type that title and not hear Steven Tyler screaming that in my head. And now it won't go away. Dang. It. When moments ago I wandered to my dear neglected blog, I had no intention of wasting mine or anyone's time with what is sure to be a ramble since I have no idea where to start filling any of the gaps since my last post in I don't even know how long. But here I am, back in the saddle, with Steven Tyler pissing me off in my head, writing about nothing. Woe to you, anyone out there that may stumble on this. Anyone there? HELLO, Hello, hello...

So it seems that I left off right after we moved to Sierra Vista because Jack got a long awaited promotion. I assume that I stopped writing not only because I am a horrible procrastinator but also because my life went tits up. Yeah, the long awaited promotion? Total layoff. It went from bad to worse and now we are just starting to rebuild, carefully living for today because we're afraid tomorrow may sh*t on us. Call me Pollyanna. In any case, I have retained my sometimes sordid, always snarky sense of humor and look forward to boring anyone willing to read the crap that I have to say. I've decided that since I should fill in the gaps for my posterity that may someday read my rantings, to throw in "Random History" posts whenever I get round to it and do my best to stay current. As Jack always tells me, "Promises, promises..." Of course he is not referring to my blogging goals, but whatever, it sounded good. Or not.

How about I start with a funny story? Sounds good to me! (note- I answer myself nowadays. I read somewhere that talking to yourself is only bad if you answer yourself as well. That can't mean anything good for me.)

Once upon a time there was a girl that had a belly ache because she hadn't pooped in almost a week!

Ok, so that's not funny. Not funny at all. How about this real time conversation I am having with Sydney:

Sydney: Mom... what is the most dangerousest animal on earf?

Me: mentally scrambling and trying to decide between crocodiles, lions, sharks, only to cover
my ignorance with a question: What do you think the most dangerous animal is Miss. Syd?

Sydney: I'm pretty sure it's the hippo.

Me: .....................

Syd and I have the most amazing conversations sometimes. Here's one that Doodles had with my sister-in-law, Abby recently that I will probably laugh about for some time!

Abby: cuddling Doodles How is it that you got so cute?

Doodles: From my mom. (I didn't even teach her to say that!)

Abby: What about your dad? Didn't he help make you cute?

Doodles: giggling Dad isn't cute!!!!

Abby: Why not?

Doodles: Cuz he's pissed off all da time!!!!

Aaah... Child of my heart!